you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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