Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
