i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
