Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
