i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
