If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
