At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
be right there i have to get my cape
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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