I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
