I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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