It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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