ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
