So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
