I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
