call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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