I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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