you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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