She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
