If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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