he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
