we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You need a sexual gate keeper
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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