I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize