All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
