Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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