It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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