So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
