i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
