Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
