Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
