The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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