Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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