Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
