he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
