note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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