My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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