I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
