the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
