Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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