The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
