i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
