I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
