Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I did not marry a roomba.
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