I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
