Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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