Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
