Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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