dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
