I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
