Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
