allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
