he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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