im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
