I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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