If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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