I was born with a shot glass in my hand
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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