omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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