i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
