How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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