hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
