May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
